I'm the dumbest man in the world

I was in the midst of writing a neat little vibe on the mysteries of blogs, and the zillion of little worlds they provide when I had a computer problem. My browser froze in the middle calling up another Web page and I got really upset...not angry upset, but on-the-verge-of-tears upset. I lost words...stupid words that only meant anything to me...they were gone and I was beside myself. I paced around the house, whining like a stuck goat, trying to get comfort from my wife. After retarting my browser and losing everything in my blog editor, I bounced my chair, a nice wooden chair that never did anything bad to anyone, in one short, sharp shock and sent a crack through the seat.

In a second, I went from frustration to fear, seeing the result of my loss of control. I'm embarrassed, I hate myself, I wish I could just die and not be this inferior, selfish, furniture-abusing asshole that my wife married. I reminded myself of my abusive father, who also was quite proficient at acting like a selfish asshole who did great damage to people and things around him.

Ever since I was a kid, when my dad left me and mom, I did my damnest to try to not be like him...not be a drunken prick who swept through and crush everything and everyone in his path, like Sherman marching to the sea. I avoided alcohol and drugs, unlike my dad, and I did my damnedest to route around rage and destruction, to a mostly successful degree. I pushed myself to excel so I wouldn't end up like him...pushed myself in academics, in the workplace. I couldn't fail. I couldn't slack off. I couldn't backslide.

And now...after a couple incidents of getting stupidly angry in the past few years, I really go off the wagon and pop a nice fat crack in this chair. It's noticable and full evidence that I'm just a fucking embarrassing lout, unable to keep my cool.

Just like dear ol' dad.

I hate myself. I should just divorce my wife and get out before and do anymore damage. I'm a hazard to myself and anyone else around me.

I hate hate hate myself, and I'm sorry I can't be a better person.