Proof Iraq needs a Kinko's

Okay, campers. The story so far: Iraq released a 12,000-page document detailing its weapons declaration, and the only copy - in the world - ends up in the hands of the country that is eager to wipe that oil-rich country off the map.

Let this be a lesson to you: If you are ever suspected of having weapons of mass destruction, for god's sake, put your declaration on CD-ROMs or post it on the Web in a PDF format. At least run down to the local copy shop and print a few for yourself. At the very least, it'd make for some impressive filler for the bookcases in the ol' office.

Seriously, though, I'd be so pissed of if I was Iraq, busting my ass to get a 12,000-page "Please, don't attack me" plea out in a matter of days only to have it snatched away by a bunch of bomb-happy infidels led by a illiterate, illegitimate former cokehead with a Hamlet complex.

Option one: Iraq is completely clean, Team Bush knows it and wants to alter the document to make it look like Iraq is lying about not having weapons. Result: war.

Option two: Team Bush, stocked with at least one guy who has done deals with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein in the past, is terrified of any connection between Dick Cheney and this year's Hitler. Result: The sanitizing the files of any embarrassing photos of Hussein and Cheney with their arms around the other's shoulder, wearing t-shirts proclaiming "Oil men drill deeper."

Either way, if you listen closely to the night air of Washington D.C., you should be able to make out (above the din of Dick Cheney's subpoena-proof bunker being constructed) the mousy squeaky-squeak of dozens of black markers covering up sins of the past or creating new sins to be played out live via bitchin'-cool night vision cameras on CNN.